


Saints of Us All

by potionsmaster



Series: Death Wish [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Kaidan is Dead, Memories, Mourning, Rain in Vancouver, eulogy, memorial service
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 23:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9465818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: “Death makes angels of us all/ And gives us wings on our shoulders/ Where we were smooth as ravens’ claws…”~ Jim Morrison





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BardofHeartDive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/gifts).



**_Saints of Us All_** , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for language, major character death

~~~~~~

 

The air is biting cold, stinging my cheeks.  I can’t feel the tip of my nose.  Welcome to Vancouver in winter.  Raindrops lash at my officer’s overcoat and dress blues as I stand at the podium.  Who the hell thought having the memorial outdoors was a good idea?  

 

“Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Aleksei Alenko was...” I swallowed hard, “...was a shining example for all of us.  A true Alliance man.  A Marine.”  The wood underneath my fingertips has a rough edge that snag my gloves as I grip the podium.  It’s all about the illusion, though.  Smooth, unruffled.  Impeccable.  The white of the gloves versus the rich wood, contrasting the dark blue of the uniform.  Sharp lines.  Sharper salute.

 

“He knew his duty, and never once wavered from it.  You looked at him and saw confidence.  Strength. A comrade who always had your six, who always encouraged you to do the best you could and be the best you could.  He was our field medic and always kept us patched up and taped together, but more than that, he -”

 

I freeze.

 

 _Kaidan_.

 

A drop of ice settles in the pit of my stomach and steals my breath.  My words.  

 

“Um…”

 

He’s there.

 

Hiding in the back.

 

Moving through the crowd.

 

Trying not to be seen.  His head is ducked and he’s wearing a black trench coat with a scarf around his shoulders.  I hope he feels ok; this type of weather would be a trigger for his migraines and play hell with his head.

 

“He was the one who...kept the team together…I mean...”

 

Someone coughs and snaps me out of it.  I shake my head and look down at my speech notes on the podium under my hands.  They have a death grip on the wood and I feel my knuckles turn cold from the lack of blood.  The ink on my cards starts to blur from the rain.

 

“I’m sorry, I...that’s not what I really wanted to say.”

 

I look back up at the crowd and see stunned faces.  His father is sitting stone-faced in the front row, his mother clutching at his arm and dabbing the corners of her eyes with a tissue.  She looks faint.  Ashley is giving me wide eyes, imploring me to go on.

 

“Well.  I mean, it’s all _true_.  But it’s rather impersonal and scripted.  Like most official speeches.”  I shuffle the cards and sigh, shoving them to the side.  A few nervous titters ripple through the crowd.  “I never thought I would be giving one of these, and I apologize...Nothing can really prepare you for this.”

 

He’s on the edge of the crowd in the back again, finally stopped.  I catch his gaze and hold it.  I want him to hear my words.  I had never directly said them to him before; it was important that he heard them now.

 

“When I looked at Kaidan, I saw all of those things.  But more importantly, I also saw something else.  I saw a friend.”

 

Dark, soulful eyes lock with mine.  Mournful.  Full of regret, almost.

 

“Sure, he knew how to patch you up on a mission and would always get you out of a tight spot.  But he would always do it with a smile on his face, and have a stupid joke or five ready to distract you while he did it.”

 

Joker snorts into his hand.  I knew he was remembering the ridiculous conversations he heard over the comms when we were planetside and doing survey missions. Kaidan had a habit of making up goofy little songs that never rhymed while we worked and wouldn’t care if you heard him or not.  It confused the hell out of Garrus and usually devolved into a discussion about human idioms and double entendres.  The turian never fully grasped the nuance, but chalked it up to the cultural differences between our species.

 

“I remember after a particularly hard day and we were all banged up and freezing - uh, we had just deployed on an ice planet, not exactly a favorite of anyone’s - and we were all more than a little grumpy, he shooed us out of the mess.  Threatened anyone who disturbed him in the next half hour with latrine duty.  There were a lot of unhappy campers, but when he finally let us back in, he had made us all a hot breakfast for dinner.  Everybody’s plate had their favorite.  I don’t know how he found out, or even remembered everyone’s, but it was a little slice of home.  It was just the thing to pick up everyone's spirits. And that was just one example of how big LT’s heart was.  I could talk for days about other things he did for people, whether they were aware of it or not.”

 

I look down at the podium again. My plate had been hash browns, over-easy eggs, bacon, and toast slathered with butter and raspberry jam.  It mystified me how he got that specific. ' _Y_ _ou’re a saint,_ ’ I told him around a full mouth.  It was the best thing I’d eaten in months. ‘ _How did you know?_ ’ He had a little smirk on his face when he sat down next to me.  ‘ _You’ll never find out,_ ’ he had teased.  ‘ _What do you know, our favorites match._ ’ Almost like he was flirting.

 

I can’t take him staring at me anymore.  

 

“The thing about Kaidan was...you always knew he cared about you.  Even if he was mad as hell at you. You knew he was coming from a place of concern when he dressed you down.  And he didn’t have any reservations about letting you know if he thought you were in the wrong, either.” I suppressed a dry chuckle.  I had been on the receiving end of that more than once, and it was impressive, to say the least.  “For that, I valued his opinion, and his counsel.

 

“He always went the extra mile to make your life easier, or show that he thought about you.  Kaidan was the first to greet our newest crew members, and talk to them about their homes.  Their lives.  Their culture.  And he genuinely would listen.”

 

I pause, looking over the gathering.  The rain drips off the peak of my cap and splashes on the speech notes.  Ruined.  I don’t need them, anyway.  His gaze draws me in again, the rest of the people fading into gray.  He gives me a small nod and smile.  I knew he heard me then.

 

“He considered everyone he met a friend, and proved exactly how far he was willing to go for them, right up until the last.  Now, I’m not a religious man, but there was one verse I kept coming back to when I was trying to figure out what to say about such a remarkable person.  The more I read it, and thought about it, the more truth it held about him.  And I’d like to close with that.”  

 

My fingers creak as I let go of the podium and turn to face the empty casket, Alliance and Earth flags draped over it, flowers cascading off it in a pungent waterfall and spilling onto the ground.  I can practically hear him saying the scent of the lilies would give him a headache.  I give a nod to the honor guard to the side, and the chief petty officer barks the command.

 

“ _Pre_ \- sent! ARMS!”

 

I stiffen my jaw and salute.  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

 

“‘ _Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for friends_.’ John 13:15.  Rest easy, soldier.  Your duty is done and your watch has ended.”

 

“ _Fire!_ ”

 

The first volley of guns explodes to my right and I suppress a flinch.  Ashley’s chin wavers in the front row, trying to be stoic.

 

“ _Fire!_ ”

 

The second volley cracks through the air and I’m frozen in place.  Unblinking.  

 

“ _Fire!_ ”

 

The third and final rounds echo in the distance, muted only slightly by the rain pattering down.

 

“Order.  ARMS!”

 

I snap my hand back to my side and watch the honor guard fold the Alliance flag into a neat triangle.  Three empty shells are tucked in as the final folds are put in place.  His father doesn’t say anything as I hand the flag over, voice cracking on the words I never should have had to speak.

 

“On behalf of President Huerta, the Systems Alliance Navy, and a grateful nation and planet, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your son’s honorable sacrifice and faithful service.”

 

A curt nod from his father in response and I force myself to drop my hands from the flag.  I’m not ready for the air of finality it brings.

 

“Honor guard!  DIS - _missed!”_

 

I keep my eyes averted and stand by the empty casket.  Carefully, I touch my fingers to the cold, metal lid, gloves keeping a barrier between my fingertips and it.  He probably would have rolled his eyes at the whole thing, saying he didn’t need it, he was nothing special.  But I also knew he had taken special pride in handling Liara’s mother’s body and making sure it was treated with the utmost respect.  I don’t think he realized exactly how much he meant to us.  And how important it was for us to show him that same honor.  I swallow the lump stuck in my throat.  The _Normandy_ won’t be the same without him.   When I look up at the crowd milling around, he’s gone.

 

And I feel alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
